The "Jones" Industrial Average JIA

I follow the Jones [1] Industrial Average because I like to keep a diversified portfolio. The exchange handles investment in criminal activities throughout the world and beyond. The commodities Cocaine and Heroine have been down on a slow economy and so are service industry components like murder for hire and prostitution. The vig on loan sharking remains as a good hedge against inflation as it fares well against the shrinking dollar. The live stock commodity futures like slavery , human trafficking and kidnapping seem to fare well in a down market but it is best to maintain a diverse portfolio and retain some liquidity in nondescript briefcases full of large bills.

In the housing sector there has been a rise in new after-life housing starts and when the CEO of Murder Incorporated was reached for comment he said "Who the f**k are you , get the hell out of here you freak." Analysts believe that this is a sign of corporate restructuring which may lead to better than expected dividends for those who were not forced into early retirement.

The entertainment business continues strong and is always a good performer in weak economic markets. The boom and bust cycle in the pole dancing industry is expected as textiles fall.

New hires from such prestigious institutions as ADX Florence are on the rise, and security remains tight due to the activity of a terrorist group who proclaims their name to be "The Feds". They have taken credit for several raids and so corporate security and defense spending remains high.

The biggest advantage of the international firms is large amounts of cash on hand for acquisitions and no debt exposure. I am bullish on long term prospects and suggest that any short term volatility will dissipate as soon as the current cycle of corporate restructuring ends.

1. The Jones: A Jones (Noun), or Jonesing (Verb), describes a state in which one experiences a strong desire or craving, as in drug habit withdrawals.

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